The Alter-nerd-tive: Zombies

The Alter-nerd-tive: Zombies

When there’s no more room in hell, the dead will walk the Earth. Scary stuff right? But what happens when there’s no more room in your own brain? Unfortunately for me, there are so many zombie movies, zombie comics, zombie books, zombie tv shows, zombie weddings, zombie flash mobs, zombie zombies, zombie zombie zombie zombies, I’m getting a little sick of it all. 28 Days Later came out in 2002, Zack Snyder’s remake of Dawn of the Dead and Shaun of the Dead came out in 2004, and putting that into pop culture years (very similar to dog years, only more annoying) that’s a hell of a long time ago. Zombies shambled and chewed there way into our hearts some time ago but the wheels are falling off the bandwagon and there are guts, severed heads, self-aware crawling limbs littered all over the place.

My fear is that we’re taking our eyes off the ball. People talk about their contingency plans for when the zombie apocalypse happens but humanity has a lot of other stuff to worry about. Your fixation on zombies is just what those other evil forces in the world want because you’ll never see THEM coming. Who? Well give Ving Rhames and his shotgun some peace for ten minutes and I’ll show you what else you’re up against.

Zombies schmombies, what about horrible creatures fueled by the very fires of hell itself? Frequently possessing the bodies of humans, these fuckers are vicious, resilient and capable of all sorts of brutal violence and trickery. Just ask those that survived Lamberto Bava’s Demons and Demons 2, required viewing for those hoping to survive, they’re named right after the creatures themselves afterall. These horrible things sport claws capable of ripping though your soft body and they’re not even hungering for your brain or your guts, they just want to see you dead, simple as that. Just ask Angela, the recently possessed hostess of a party that turns out she scheduled to happen on the Night of the Demons. One by one the living fall prey to demonic forces and chaos ensues, plenty of blood, gore and disturbing imagary conjured up by the creatures themselves (just make sure you avoid the shit remake from 2010). Also to avoid are evil demon nuns from hell, just ask the survivors of The Convent, they got lucky and had an ass-kicking Adrienne Barbeau to help them out when bumbling wannabe Satanists sacrifice the wrong girl in the wrong place. [Rec] will also chill you with demonic attacks witnessed from the perspective of a very unlucky TV crew who get stuck in a building with an increasing number of vicious demonic psychopaths. What’s so scary about that shambling, rotting guy groaning about brains again?

There, there wolf! These fanged beasties could be right in your midst and you would never know it until a full moon, and by then its too late! If you’re lucky you’ll be torn to ribbons and devoured, unlucky and you’ll become one of these accursed creatures, doomed to have your human life torn from you when the moon gives the signal to the beast living inside. Just ask David Kessler in An American Werewolf in London as he goes through his horrifying transformation after being attacked and infected by a beast in the moors of Scotland. John Landis presented us with a truly frighten metamorphosis still never topped in another motion picture, enough to stop you ever wanting to go near anything with claws and fur. Joe Dante, three years before Joe Dante thrilled us with his Gremlins, he gave a similarly chilling tale with The Howling. When they can take human form much of the time, how do you know who is truly the beast? Who can you trust? How can you survive? Even a squad of hard bastard English soldiers meet their match in the form of some vicious and deadly lupine antagonists in Dog Soldiers, Neil Marshall shows just how devastating a whole family of the things can be. Those zombies of yours wouldn’t stand a chance against those guys.

Haunted Houses!
Feel safe boarding up inside your home to protect you from those brain-hungry beasts outside? Your beautiful new house might very well want to kill you dead also. James Wan’s Insidious tells us that you never can be sure when something is lurking in your attic ready to steal your childrens’ souls. You can’t see him but he’s there, slowly leeching the life out of your child what you lose your mind thinking you’re seeing things in your own house. Sure you’re familiar with a certain presence discovered in that house chronicled in The Amityville Horror? Based on true events, either the 1979 or 2005 version will show you that your dream house may not be what you bargained for. It might drive you insane before you turn that insanity on your own family and dispatch them to the choir invisible, it could happen to you. What if your home will not only lead to your demise but of anybody unfortunate enough to step inside? Ju-On and the American remake The Grudge will make sure that house-warming party is an intimate affair, and for God’s sake don’t invite the neighbours over! Dooming them to a horrible death at the hands of an enraged spirit won’t give that good first impression you were hoping for.

Alien Shape Shifters and Evil Clones!
Forget about banding together with other people to help you fight off the zombie hoards, they’re probably alien organisms taken human form so they themselves can take over our planet! Don’t believe me? Prepare to be utterly stupified with terror when you watch the 1979 Invasion of the Body Snatchers, who can you trust? Who is still human? THOSE AREN’T FLOWERS! Still not paranoid enough? John Carpenter made one of the most terrifying antagonits in history The Thing. It will surely wring what little sanity you have left, able to assume any form and incredibly difficult to kill, one minute you think Wilford Brimley is telling you about “diabeetus supplies” and the next his whole torso is a huge mouth and you’re short one face. The Hidden will shows you that nobody is safe from an alien capable of stealing your body from you and leaving you lifeless while he carrying out terrible crimes in your skin, but you won’t be lucky enough to have FBI agent Kyle McLaughlin there to save you!

As you can see, zombies are the least of your problems and I’m not even done! You’re scared, horrified, and inspired enough for the time being though to go find out about all the other things that want to do unspeakably dreadful things to you though right? Those zombies are still a long ways away and its going to take them some time to stagger their way other here, better bone up on these other threats while you have the chance.

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